Face
by wowyoung
Summary: Cause you saw my heart And you saw how much it broke And I could not ask for more So I picked up my heart Brushed it off And walked out that door
1. Face

A/N this is based off of a Phillip Phillips song "Face" its pretty cool (btw at the end I'll tell you if I feel like making a part two of this xx) and no YouTube in this one

"Dan, why can't you just tell me what's wrong? Just let me in for once. I'm not blind, I can tell something is wrong." Phil burst out to Dan, who was sitting as far away from him as possible on the couch whilst picking at his food.

Dan didn't say anything, just stared blankly at his food and continued to pick it apart with his fingers absent-mindedly.

Phil felt frustration rising up in his chest, but he pushed it down. He needed to ignore his anger and focus on Dan when the younger boy obviously needed it.

"You can tell me anything, and just take it out of your head and take it out of your thoughts." Phil told him, even though it was the most cliche and cheesy thing to say at the moment. It probably even made Dan feel a little worse.

"It helps to tell people your feelings sometimes." He continued softly when Dan said nothing. "If you ever decide to do it, you'll realize that you're missing out on a huge relief. It'll feel like a huge weight being taken off of your shoulders."

Dan seemed to react to this, shifting his weight slightly on the couch, his face betraying that the conversation was getting to him just a little bit.

"This has been going on for a couole weeks at least. I've been lonely without you, love— Dan, no." Phil pleaded.

Dan stood up, leaving his food uneaten on the edge of the coffee table, and began to head out of the room towards his bedroom.

"Dan!" Phil stood up as fast as he could and grabbed Dan's sleeve as he passed. Dan looked at him with huge, dark eyes.

"Phil, let go." He said, and it was a relief for Phil to hear him speak after a while of not hearing his sweet Winnie the Pooh voice.

"Bear—" Phil began, his voice just a whisper, and Dan's facial expression morphed into one of anger before he ripped his arm away and stomped off to his room. The sound of a door slamming marked his exit.

Phil just stood there for a while, his arm still halfway stretched out as if he was still reaching out for Dan, even though the younger boy was gone.

Then he lowered his arm and spoke in a quiet voice, as if the boy was still in the room.

"I'll get it out of you one day, out of your head and thoughts." He whispered, his voice sounding broken. "If you tell me, I'll give you a reason to stay... or not."

And at that, Phil Lester began to wonder: what the hell had he done wrong?

On the other side of the flat, Dan sat on the floor in front of his bed, leaning back against it. He hadn't even made it to the edge of the bed before collapsing and burying his face in his hands.

Phil had noticed, of course. Phil noticed everything. He had noticed Dan had been acting off for a few weeks, of course he had.

The truth is, Dan didn't even know himself why he was acting this way. Sometimes he just seemed to die inside, along with his emotions. And not in a funny way either: he just seemed to grow numb, and the only emotions he could feel were sadness and pain. He felt bad for shutting down like this, just seeming to become a useless excuse for a human being that can't do anything right. He can't even make his own best friend happy.

But this hadn't happened since he had met Phil. Phillip Michael Lester made him happy, and he had no reason to be acting like this. He loved the man, for fuck's sake.

He wanted to go and apologize to him: hug him and cry and kiss him, the whole show. But a crippling cloud of self doubt floated upon him.

He would screw up and Phil wouldn't want him anymore. Who was he kidding, Phil was probably out there right this second gathering the courage to come in and tell him to get out of the flat.

Dan decided to make the job easy for him and leave the flat by himself. Finding the will from somewhere deep inside of him, he pushed himself up from the floor and searched the room for a decent jacket before giving up. It wasn't that cold outside, he would manage just fine.

With that, he crept to his door and cracked it open, peeking through the small gap. His heart ached at the thought of a joke that Phil would probably make about him looking like he was going to sneak out.

Which was exactly what he was going to do, but still.

He snuck out of his door, not closing it just in case it would make too loud of a noise and alert Phil (wherever the hell he was). But, as he was halfway to the front door, he was stopped by a small voice from behind him.

"Where are you going?" He whipped around to see Phil standing in the hallway he had just left, wearing different clothes than he had been wearing before. (He now wore a black baggy T-shirt and some grey sweat pants.)

"Honestly, Phil, what does it look like?" Dan snapped at the ebony-haired man. "I'm going to go outside. Is it that big of a deal?" He immediately felt bad as a hurt look appeared on his face.

Phil didn't say anything to the harsh words, just nodded and mumbled something he barely caught.

He had said, "Stay safe, bear." He had a concerned look on his face.

Dan rolled his eyes, trying to cover up the hurt he felt at the nickname. Without any words, he turned back to the door, opened it and was gone.

And all Phil could do was watch as his boyfriend disappeared into the dark, cold night.

Dan regretted leaving as soon as he felt the cold. He had known that it was cold—it was the middle of Winter, for fuck's sake—but he hadn't expected this.

If he had been thinking rationally, he would've turned right back around and go back inside to the warmth of the flat, to the warmth of Phil. Dan would hug him and kiss him, and apologize for the last two weeks of silence.

But he wasn't thinking rationally, and he continued to plow on forward into the wind and the cold.

Meanwhile, back in the warm flat, Phil was still standing completely motionless at the end of the hallway. He was hurt by Dan's exit.

If he had been thinking rationally, he would've told Dan to come back inside the flat, and he would've made him warm from excessive cuddles and he'd kiss every inch of his body that he could reach. Then he would make sure that the younger boy was okay by gently asking him if he would tell him what was wrong.

But he wasn't thinking rationally, so he just turned back around and headed to Dan's room, hopefully to fall asleep on the bed that smelled like his gone boyfriend.

Dan was still outside, still freezing, still walking anywhere except to the flat. The cold had already seeped into his skin and he was already completely numb by the time it had started to snow. And by that time, he was so cold, his hands were burning and the sensation was spreading rapidly up into his arms.

Phil was entering Dan's room and he closed the door behind him, suddenly realizing how much he had missed the brown-haired boy with the same brown eyes. Nothing seemed out of place, except for the most obvious difference in the room. There was a journal, battered up and half open on the floor.

Dan knew he should go back to the flat, he knew he really should. But he felt like an idiot for the way he had stormed out and he couldn't face Phil's judging face. But he was so cold and he couldn't feel his face and he didn't even know how he was walking because he was so numb. He didn't even notice as his body took over, turned him around, and then he was heading back to the flat.

It had to of been about half an hour that had passed as Phil read the journal. The journal contained such personal stuff, and he should've stopped reading, but he couldn't stop himself. So he continued to get lost in the world of reading as he saw just how heartbroken and sad Dan really was.

Dan didn't even care anymore as he saw the flat coming into view. He wanted to run back inside to the warmth of the flat, but he couldn't force his weak, numb legs to move fast enough, so he continued to slowly stumble towards the flat.

Phil didn't even notice that there were tears falling down his face as he was almost to the end of the writing in the journal. Just a couple more pages...

Dan had reached the front door of the flat and didn't even bother to knock as he opened the door and closed it quite loudly.

Phil was too immersed in his reading to hear the sound of Dan's arrival.

Dan didn't see Phil anywhere around, but it was pretty late and that was expected, so he decided to head to his room.

Phil was on the second to last page and the he flipped the page, and he was just beginning to read the first sentence on the last sheet of paper...

Dan opened the door to his room.

Phil froze.

"Phil! What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Dan stood at the door, his voice sounding a little weak as he yelled. He didn't even care about the tear tracks on Phil's face, all he saw was the black journal in Phil's hands.

"I-I'm sorry, Dan." Phil mumbled, and even though his grip was tight on the journal, it still fell from his hands on to the floor. "I just saw it on the floor and I—I thought it would be harmless if I looked in it. I didn't—"

Dan, with still numb legs, managed to leap forward and grab the journal from the ground. It was still open to the page Phil had left off on.

He had almost read the whole fucking journal.

"Get out." Dan said in a harsh voice as he brushed off the journal.

"Bear—" Phil began.

"Out!" Dan said in a louder voice, but Phil still didn't move.

Dan couldn't ask him to move any longer, and he couldn't take the look of pity on Phil's face. So he did what was best.

He took his journal with him, still brushing it off, and walked out that door.

Phil didn't even try to stop Dan, not being able to form any words. So watch was all Phil did while Dan gathered up a thick jacket, slipped it on and walked out the front door. This time for good.

But this time, Phil realized something, long after Dan had already left.

He needed to help Dan, and he realized what he needed. He needed Phil, and Phil would be there for him.

And this time, Dan would give him what he wanted. Because Phil was not going to give up. He wanted a taste of what they used to have two weeks ago. And he would get that taste by finding Dan and giving him a greatly needed hug.

So Phil ran to find his own thick jacket, slipped it on, and ran out that door.

Dan, on the other side of the town, was more prepared for the cold this time. The thick jacket he had brought made a significant difference than when he had gone out without a jacket, and he was greatful for the warmth it brought him.

He still had the journal clutched to his chest, never wanting to let go.

The truth is, he had wanted to tell someone about everything he had written in the journal. He was just waiting for the right time to tell someone, but Phil had decided to just snoop around in his room and find it himself.

Not that he minded Phi knowing: he had planned to tell him one day. But not this way.

And he wouldn't be able to take Phil's pity eyes and his concerned face if he ever saw him again. So that's why he was going away from him.

Suddenly Dan heard the footsteps of someone running behind him. He, being in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night, of course got absolutely terrified, and dove into a conveniently placed alley.

A person ran by about thirty seconds later, and through his wide eyes and thumping heart, Dan was able to tell that it was indeed Phil.

And he felt bad, not only that Phil was out here running around looking for him, but also because he was hiding from him.

Then, he realized, that he was holding the journal against him tightly, and he remembered why he had to do this.

And with that he set off again.

The further he went, the closer Phil seemed, and Dan began to get annoyed. Why wont he leave him alone, why won't he leave him be?

Phil had seen into the deepest recesses of his heart. He had seen his heartbreak, his secrets, his scars, his dark... He had seen everything. So Dan had picked up his heart, brushed it off, and walked through that fucking door. All to get away from Phil.

So why won't Phil leave him alone?

And when Dan finally reached his destination, he found himself thinking about something he knew he would oblige by.

When Phil found his way back in, he won't give his heart again.

Even though Phil had read all the things he stored in his heart, the ebony-haired man would never hear the words come out of Dan's mouth.

At at that, Dan knocked on the door.

A/N just letting you know, the story will make much more sense if you go give this song a listen. Once again, its call 'Face by Phillip Phillips'. Its a good song. :3

Anyway, does anyone want a second part almost completely from Phil's point of view. The second part will be based off another Phillip Phillips song and it fits very well with this story right here. Anyway, tell me if you want it. (I continue this story anyway, btw)


	2. Unpack Your Heart

It was very lonely in the flat without Dan. Phil wasn't used to it yet, even though it had been almost two years since that long night he had spent searching for Dan.

He had rung everyone he knew, asking if Dan had gone there, before he realized that he was a dumbass. Dan would have gone to Pj's: he lived the closest to them.

But when he had called Pj, he had indeed been told that Dan was there, but Pj was on direct orders to not let Dan's voice ever reach Phil's ears ever again. So he couldn't talk to Dan, and that phone call ended with a 'sorry bud' from Pj and then he had hung up. He had never called Pj again after that.

Phil had just assumed that Dan had gotten his own flat somewhere, far away. He had even tried to call the younger boy immediately after he had called Pj. There was just silence, not even a voicemail, before the call ended.

Dan had blocked him.

He had expected as much.

Now, almost two years later, Phil was mess.

Almost two years of not seeing Dan's face, not even knowing what had happened to him. Not even knowing if Dan would ever forgive him for what he had done.

He didn't even know if the brown-haired boy was still alive.

Because, before Dan had caught him reading that journal, he had seen five words that had g him.

 _I want to kill myself._

It broke his heart to know that Dan had ever thought those terrible words. He knew Dan had had a terrible life before Phil, and he had just learned the extent of that in his journal, but he would've never thought Dan would feel bad enough to want to kill himself.

And Phil hoped with all his heart that Dan hadn't already done it.

And these were the kind of thoughts that compelled Phil to call Dan after almost two years. He was sure that Dan still had his number blocked, but lucky for Phil, he had recently bought a new phone with a new number. Phil was also lucky enough to memorize Dan's number.

But his luck stopped there. He just hoped that Dan hadn't gotten a new number as well...

Phil had no plan on what to say as he typed in Dan's number, pressed call, and held it to his ear.

The dialing tone rang and rang and rang and rang in his ears until...

There was a soft noise and a voice on the other line.

"Hello?" It was soft and it was scared and it was quiet, but it was definitely Dan's sweet voice.

The sound seemed to fill Phil (A/N haha see what I did there) with a strong feeling of confidence, and happiness of course. He was silent for a few seconds, just reveling in the feeling, while his own breaths mixed with the breaths on the other side of the line, until Dan spoke again.

"If you're not gonna say anything, I might as well hang up on you." Dan sounded a little shy as he said the words, and then Phil spoke.

He didn't know where the words came from, but he was saying them and it worked. "Meet me in the woods, where the sunlight ends. Where there are no lies spoken, only truths. The place where I asked you out, where we became us."

He swore he heard the breathing on the line stop for a few seconds until it returned, heavier than before.

Phil didn't stop talking in fear that his bear would hang up on him. "Come on, bear. We didn't do this properly last time. Bring all that you're scared to defend, and lay it down when you walk through the door of bushes and trees and leaves. Throw it all on the forest floor." Phil was aware that he sounded a bit demanding, but Dan wasn't hanging up and that was good. This was his goal, to attempt to have a civil conversation with Dan.

The problem was, Dan was still quiet as a statue.

"Bears belong in the forest, baby. Please come. I want it all. Your sorrow, your beauty, your war. I want it all.

"Bring your secrets and bring your scars. Your glory and all you are. Your daylight and your dark. Share your silence. Unpack your heary. It will feel good, bear. I promise you."

Dan was still quiet, but he heard a stifled noise and it sounded like Dan was trying not to cry. This was... progress?

Phil pressed on.

"Show me something the rest never see and give me all that you hope to recieve. You know I would give it all to you. Your deepest regret will die with me. I won't tell anyone anything you tell me. I never have and I never will.

"The days when you stumble and fal, and you grind to a crawl. Bring thise to all. I want to hear it. I want the treasure that hides behind your wall too. I want all that you can bring, hear. I want it all.

"I'm on your side, bear. So shed your shadow, get rid of all the things that drag you down, and watch it all rise away from you. You will feel better once you tell someone everything that's bothering you. Trust me, baby. I know you have no reason to, but just trust me."

There was still only silence from Dan.

"I'll make everything better, Dan. I'll shine a light into your darkness, into everything that hurts you, and I'll make it all better. It'll become all bright, and I'll help you make it not hurt anymore.

"Bring everything to the forest. All the good and bad. Your honor, your shame. I will tame all your madness. Lay down your guard, baby. Share your silence and just unpack your heart..."

Silence. There was silence from Dan's end of the phone for a while, only the sound of their heavy breathing mixing together, until one word broke through the thick cloud of silence.

"Okay." Dan whispered.

And in that word was hope and happiness and worry and fear and a whole lot of another emotions mixed into a confusing blur in Phil's mind. Dan had said okay. /He had said okay./

It took Phil a while to find his voice, and when he did, he was a stuttering mess. "W-what time and wh-when? What d-day?"

"Tomorrow will work for me." Dan's voice was hardly audible, and Phil could practically hear both of their hearts thumping in fear.

"At five, then?" Phil suggested in a voice just as quiet as Dan's.

"Okay," Dan said again, and then he had hung up and Phil was left in silence to absorb what had just happened.

He was going to get to talk to Dan. Tomorrow.

It seemed like a dream come true.

 **A/N Here's the second part guys and I have got to say, I planned for Dan to say no to Phil. But I couldn't make Dan that heartless, and I couldn't break Phil's heart like that. And thus, as a result of that decision, I have decided to make this an actual chaptered fic. Whoohoo. It will either have a couple more chapters, or a lot more chapters, it depends on what I write... and the next chapter will be.. interesting. That's all I have to say.**


	3. Chapter 3

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck_.

Dan was currently repeating that one word over and over again in his head. Because he felt so stupid for saying yes to Phil's little proposition. Phil had done more to hurt Dan than he ever though his ex-boyfriend ever would have.

In his mind, Phil was the bad guy.

Even as his thoughts told him that everything about this was wrong, he still got out of bed that morning to go meet Phil. He had no reason for doing so, even agreeing to meet Phil had no motive behind it.

But maybe, just maybe, Dan missed Phil. Maybe there was a small part of him that still loved Phil—

Fuck.

Dan dismissed the thoughts, biting his lip so hard he was sure he was drawing blood.

After two years of supressing such thoughts, he couldn't allow them to return just because he was going to meet Phil.

Who knew? This could be the official last time he was going to see Phil's face.

And he wanted to see him so many more times than that. He wanted yo see his face every day—

Fuck, no.

It was true, but he couldn't think it.

He forced his thoughts to focus on what Phil had said in his phone call yesterday. Phil had told him to bring him everything and to just unpack his heart. But was Dan really ready for this? Sure, it had been two years, but was that long enough for him to forgive Phil?

He was going to bring the journal. Was that what Phil had meant by unpacking his heart?

The journal was like his heart to him. It was the closest thing to him, and he wrote everything in it. It was basically how he got out all of his emotions without returning to the urge to cut himself. Because, believe it or not, therapist actually have some good ideas.

Even though he had barely written in that journal after he had met Phil, he had written some stuff in it those few weeks before that big fiasco that night. He had let his dark thoughts pour onto the page, and it had helped a little.

But not enough.

Remembering all of these things seemed to send tiny knives stabbing into his heart, getting him where it hurt the most. It wasn't fair for anyone to hurt this much. Maybe he should just not go meet Phil. Maybe he should just stay at his house, say fuck the journal, and give in. Maybe he should do what he had written in that journal at least one time.

He should just kill himself.

It would make everything easier.

Thinking the thought sent chills down Dan's spine, and he dismissed it.

He wouldn't have the balls to do it anyway. He wasn't strong enough.

He pressed his face into his head and muttered that one word into his hands over and over again.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

He had thought he didn't want to see Phil ever again. He had thought these thoughts for two years. But thinking of that night and that damned journal made him remember how Phil looked and _fuck_.

He missed Phil. He missed Phil so goddamn much.

And he did want to see him, so much.

And that was when Dan said fuck it.

He was going to go meet Phil, no matter how fucking much he knew it would hurt him, no matter how much he knew he would cry.

He was going to go see Phil's stupid cute little face today, at five, in the forest.

And he was going to bring the journal.

It didn't matter if Phil had already read everything in it, because Dan didn't care about that part.

He wanted Phil to know, but this time, it was going to be different.

So Dan picked up the journal, brushed it off, and walked out that door, like he did two long years ago.

Back at Phil's flat, the same flat him and Dan had shared two years ago, Phil was having some doubts.

What if Dan just wasn't going to show? What if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life by inviting Dan to come to the forest with him? There was no doubt Dan was still mad at him, and if Dan did show, Phil had no idea how he was going to stop himself from kissing him.

God, he was an idiot.

He should have just resisted calling Dan, because now rejection the second time was going to be so much more painful. He should just cancel this meet up.

But what if Dan did end up showing up? What if Phil didn't? What if Dan sat there for hours on end, waiting for Phil to show uo, but he never did?

That would be terrible.

So that was how Phil decided to show up at the forest. He threw on some decent clothes and walked out that door, like he had done I search of Dan two years ago.

Except this time, he would find his bear.

And the two headed to the forest, Phil on foot and Dan in his car. Both hearts were beating in fear of what could happen, both minds were racing with thoughts they couldn't repress: until, finally they were there.

Phil reached the forest first, as he was closer to it, since he hadn't moved far away.

Dan reached it some time later, as he had moved as far away from this place as he could find.

The forest brought back memories to both of them, happy memories of kisses shared under starry skies and holding hands as they headed here for a picnic.

Phil had already reached their special place, a tiny clearing not unlike the one from Twilight. Phil smiled at how Dan made the same joke every time they had come here.

 _"Here's your cue to start sparkling."_

Phil chuckled quietly at the memory, trying to ignore his racing heart as he layed down to wait for Dan.

If the brown-haired boy was coming, that is.

Dan was hearing towards the small clearing, thoughts of his little joke creeping into his mind.

 _"Here's your cue to start sparkling."_

Phil had never done it, of course, but Dan never stopped childishly dreaming.

He was holding his journal against his chest, as close to his heart as it could possibly get.

And he was closer to the clearing than he ever thought he would get again.

Five steps, four steps.

Three.

Two.

And one.

He was in the clearing, making a soundless entrance, and he saw Phil.

Phil was laying in the middle of the clearing, his eyes closed and his hands laying beside him. He looked lost in thought, and Dan's words surprised the both of them.

"Here's your cue to start sparkling."

Phil looked up, and blue eyes met brown.

And one's world began to piece itself back together as another one began to fall apart even more.

 **A/N here you go. Much waited and much wanted. Sorry guys, I've been sick and I've been on Thanksgiving break from school. Kinda busy here, sorry**


	4. Chapter 4

Phil pulled himself up from the ground as fast as he could, staring at Dan's face as he did so. He took a step forward without realizing it.

Phil's heart seemed to be piecing itself back together again. It was paradise to see Dan's sweet little face, even though it had aged in the span of two years—his fringe was shorter than it used to be, his skin paler, his face a little chubbier. It made him look a little less inocent than before, and he had grown into the look quite well. Even though it looked like he had lost a small amount of weight... It was still Dan, and he was here. Oh god, he was here. He was so ready for this moment.

Dan, on the other hand, was having an entirely different experience.

Seeing Phil looking at him like his world was complete made him feel guilty. Phil's aged face—his shorter fringe, his thinner face, and his bright blue—sent memories flying through his head so fast he could hardly see what they were. But he saw them all, and it sent stabs of pain throughout his heart. He wasn't ready for this moment.

So as Phil took a step forward, Dan took a step back.

Dan stood there, every muscle in his body tense, lip between his teeth, eyes wide. Journal still held tight against his chest.

Phil watched, his heart breaking at the sight of the broken boy before him.

Dan didn't realize that he was trying to hold back tears until they began to slip down his cheeks.

Phil sighed quietly and opened up his arms. "Dan, come here."

Dan, even though his mind was telling him no, stumbled his way over to Phil, and collapsed into his arms, dropping the journal in the process.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's shoulders and a loud sob escaped from his mouth. He buried his face into Phil's chest and began to cry louder now.

Phil just pulled the younger boy closer to him and rubbed his back with one hand while stroking his hair with the other, just hoping that Dan wouldn't run away.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, long enough for Phil to realize that he was actually close enough to Dan to hear his jagged breathing and feel his body warmth, long enough for Dan to realize he had just let himself go to pieces in front of Phil.

And then Dan pulled away and they stared until each others eyes for a long time. Just blue staring into brown, brown staring into blue.

Then Dan spoke.

"Why did you read the journal?" His voice was hoarse from crying, and there were tear tracks on his cheeks that made him look so innocent.

Phil didn't have an answer, he only shook his head, speechless.

Dan looked at the ground. "I feel like if I had asked you that two years ago, the exact day you had read the journal, you would've had an answer." He said shyly.

Phil nodded, because everything Dan was saying was true. And Phil really wanted to kiss Dan, but he couldn't do that. So he began talking, anything to keep his mouth and lips busy.

"I know, bear." Dan didn't flinch at the nickname like Phil expected him too, so that was progress.

"I said a couple of excuses that night, like saying that it was just laying there on the floor and I thought it wouldn't hurt anything to look in it." Dan nodded, seeming overwhelmed by a sudden surge of emotions. "I mean, I thought we told each other everything, but when I read the journal..." Phil realized, by the hurt look on Dan's face, that he should just shut up.

And he did, deciding to just watch Dan's reaction.

Dan looked like he was fighting many emotions as he opened his mouth to speak. But no words came out, so he just closed his mouth and stared up at Phil.

This staring match continued for a few more minutes until Phil's soft voice broke the silence, and his eyes traveled to where the journal now lay on the ground.

"You brought the journal."

Dan nodded, his eyes also landing on where it was beside his feet. "Yeah, I did."

"Do you want to, um, read it?" Phil mentally facepalmed himself. Dan was going to leave now. God, such a stupid question to ask—

Dan didn't know what to think of the question. He didn't even know why he had brought it. Some part of him, deep inside, had wanted Phil to read it. Just under different circumstances.

So he took a deep breath and answered.

"If you want to read it with me?"

Phil was surprised by this answer. Was Dan really ready for this? Or was he just saying this because they were both pretty emotional right now?

"Are you sure? Are you ready for this?" He asked softly and nervously.

"As ready as I'll ever be." Dan replied with a small smile that sent Phil's heart fluttering and his stomach whirling.

Dan picked up the journal and pressed it against Phil's chest until the older man grasped it in his hands. The cover felt old and easily breakable, so Phil held it like it was fragile.

"Let's do this."

 **A/N this chapter sucks, sorry. I'm just sick and I cant concentrate**


	5. Ch 5

It took everything Phil had to not throw the journal back onto the ground and kiss him, because that's all he wanted to do at the moment. He felt like his lips were tingling from the absence of Dan's. But he forced himself to sit down on the ground and watch Dan open the journal.

Dan, on the other hand, was no where near worrying about kissing Phil. He was more worried about what Phil would do as they read the journal. Maybe Phil would finally realize how messed up he was and he would never want to talk to him again.

Well, isn't that kind of what happened last time?

"Let's sit." Dan smiled nervously and gestured to the ground.

"Let's." Phil smiled at smile equally as nervous and began to sit down.

They were both on the ground together, right next to each other. They were so close that their knees almost touched. Maybe if either Phil or Dan let their muscles relax, they would actually be touching.

But no. They both had to be nervous messes.

"Do you want me to open it?" Phil asked uncertainly, tapping his fingers on the cover of the book.

Dan nodded, hiding his face from Phil. He mumbled out a yes and closed his eyes.

Phil fingered open the journal, but he couldn't even bring himself to look at the familiar handwriting that filles the first page. All it did was send pangs of sadness through his heart each second his fingers were in contact with the worn paper, every second he spent thinking about his mistake just two years ago.

Dan was also feeling something somewhat similar. Seeing Phil being so hesistant to look at the journal made him sad also, so he just stared at the inside of his eyelids. The darkness was much better than the pain the sight of the journal gave him. But the darkness didn't hide his thoughts, and the negative words flowing through his mind didn't go away.

Phil suddenly slammed the journal shut, and the sound of the hard cover scared both of them equally. Phil just stared at the closed journal like he didn't remember closing it and Dan just flinched away and opened his eyes, giving Phil a worried look.

Even after two years, even after what Phil had done... Dan still cared for him. Still loved him even.

Dan didn't know what to feel. He was still mad and upset that Phil had delved into his deepest and darkest memories by snooping into the journal, but it didn't seem to matter at the moment. With Phil staring at the journal with that confused and upset expression in his eyes, it was hard for Dan to still be mad at him. Two years was a long time...Was it long enough for him to forgive Phil?

Phil was beginning to get on the same train of thought.

It had been two years, right? Surely Dan could forgive him for a foolish mistake that had happened two years ago? Phil was an idiot and he never should have done it, and no excuse could make it any better. Dan was just staring at him and Phil didn't know what to say or do. It seemed like they had both decided they were too uncomfortable to read the journal, so now they were left staring at each other.

Neither one knew what words to say.

Phil wanted to say something, anything. But he couldn't think of anything to say, and the only thing he wanted to do was kiss him. But Dan wouldn't like that, and Phil felt selfish for even thinking of kissing him after what he had done two years back...

Dan didn't want to say anything really. Which was a good thing because he wouldn't know what to say if he did. All he wanted to do was to stare into Phil's blue eyes and forget the world. And he didn't even care what Phil had done, all he wanted to do was kiss him, but that would take Phil off guard. And Dan wasn't sure if he himself was ready for that yet...

Neither of them noticed that Dan was about to cry until a tear slipped from his eye and rolled down his cheek.

Dan was about to turn away and avoid Phil:s gaze, but Phil, not even really thinking about his actions, did something surprising. He grabbed Dan's hand gently and pulled him back, touching his cheek with his other hand. He brushed the tear off of Dan's cheek and Dan looked at the ground.

"Dan..." Phil trailed off, trying to make Dam look at him. "Look at me." He said eventually and Dan looked up at his. His brown eyes were watering like he was trying to stop a flood of tears, and he looked so broken that Phil almost started crying himself.

"Why did you ask me to come here, Phil?" Dan asked suddenly, his voice barely a whisper.

"I don't know, Dan." Phil admitted. "I just missed you so much, and I was just praying you didn't get a new phone or a new number when I called you. If you had, I wouldn't be able to see you right now and—" Phil broke off.

"And what, Phil?" Dan asked softly, looking intensely into his eyes.

"And I wouldn't be fighting myself to not kiss you.." Phil added uncertaintly.

Phil became aware that he was still holding onto Dan's hand as the younger boy's fingers twitched. His chocolate brown eyes were wide open with surprise and he looked like he was biting his lip.

"Really?" He said as if he didn't believe it.

"Yes, really, Dan." Phil tightened his grip on Dan's hand. "I haven't seen you for almost two years. I really missed you and kissing you and cuddling with you and just— everything." Phil added shyly.

"Well, that's good." Dan murmured, taking his hand away from Phil and fidgeting with the edge of his jacket sleeves. "Because I wanted to kiss you too."

Phil froze. "Really? Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Dan looked up at him through his lashes. "I just wasn't sure if you wanted to though, so I just ignored my thoughts."

"Can I?" Phil blurted out. "Kiss you, I mean. Right now?" His cheeks turned red from his blush.

Dan's face turned equally as red and he stopped biting his lip and instead chewed in the inside of his cheek. Should he say yes? Or was he still mad at Phil? All he seemed to want at the moment were Phil's lips against his, but would he regret it later?

Oh, fuck it.

Dan nodded, staring Phil right in his blue eyes. "Yeah." He breathed. "Please." He face turned even brighter because he sounded so desperate and clingy and needy, but he technically was, so it didn't matter.

Phil's face was equally as red as he spoke. "Okay."

His hand was still on Dan's cheek so he gently pulled Dan's face closer to his and leaned forward.

And their lips met.

 **A/N so urrrm hi. This is important please read...** **This was much wanted and much needed by you people. Like, yay. I'm glad y'all are enjoying this trash story so much. But I have some news, guys... As I am writing this, my nana has been dead for not even a whole day.. she died yesterday at around 6 pm. My mom got a call telling us to rush to the hospital right around the corner of my nanas apartment. On the way there, we got another call telling us she died... I stayed home from school today for obvious reasons, and I've been cuddling with a stuffed animal bear she had. So, I just wanted to let you guys know. My stories could either take a dark and depressing turn or they could start to become sweet and sappy and fluffy as an attempt to make me feel better through the fluffyness of phan. Anyway, I will NOT stop writing because of this event, because writing helps me cope and get my emotions out. I have been writing one story (well, one-shot) and it is a pretty long one. I've been writing on it for maybe a week and a half ??? It is sweet and fluffy and dark and sad and it may or may not end in a way that will destroy you and rip your soul from your body. Heh. Sorry. Anyway, just wanted to give you the news so-** **Rip Nana on 12/6/17 she didn't even get to fucking Christmas oh my-**


	6. Ch 6

**A/N so... the days have been hard. My answer to everything has been "I don't know." They'll ask me what songs I want to be played at the funeral and I'll say idk. Even though I do know... they'll ask if I want to go to school tomorrow and I say idk. But I really don't know the answer to that one... I mean, this is kinda disgusting but: we went to my nana's apartment soon after she died, and THE BLOOD WAS STILL ON THE FUCKING FLOOR. THEY DIDN'T CLEAN IT UP AND FUC- Why the h e l l would they not. This is b u l l s h i t. I wanted to pass out. I can't deal with blood... especially in these circumstances. Just oh my- Sorry for the rant but I needed that.. Anyway, on with the storyyyy,**

Dan didn't know what to feel at the beginning of the kiss. All he knew is that he wanted to forget about everything as his lips molded into Phil's. He wanted to forget about all of their past arguments and forget their worries. But he especially wanted to forget about the two past terrible years. All the pain and anger he had felt caused by Phil could go away if it meant he could kiss Phil like this everyday again and fuck— Dan was really enjoying this now. He was trying not to smile into the kiss because he was so happy. Phil's lips were where they belonged, and so were Dan's. Nothing could make this moment better than it already was.

Phil was feeling the same mix of emotions. No doubts crossed his mind as they kissed. Dan's hands made their way into Phil's hair and pulled him closer, and the gesture made Phil miss the old days. But, most of all, he felt at home. More at home than he had felt in two years. This is where he belonged.

Just as both boys thought they were going to die if they didn't take a breath, they both pulled away. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's neck and rested his head on his shoulder. He closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths as he hugged Phil. He could feel the tears coming on, but he was so damn happy and they shouldn't be there, and then they were coming down and Dan couldn't stop them.

He tried to hide his tears from Phil, but Phil could feel the wetness from the tears soaking into his shirt. Phil pushed Dan away from his body gently and stared into his brown eyes.

"Why are you crying, bear?" Phil asked softly, brushing a stray tear from Dan's cheek with his thumb.

"I don't know." Dan admitted, giving a half-hearted laugh. "I'm actually happy at the moment and this is like the third time I've cried since I came here and fuck—" Dan wiped one of his cheeks with a hand. "I'm such a mess."

"Its okay, Dan." Phil assured him. "Cry all you have to." He gave Dan a reassuring smile and rubbed his shoulder soothingly. His lips were still tingling from the kiss and Dan looked so innocent and kind of happy.

"I'm so fucking happy I came." Dan suddenly exclaimed. "I've spent two years telling myself that I never wanted to see you again and I never thought about you. I hated you. And then when I got that phone call from you yesterday, I just— fuck. I didn't expect it, at all." Dan's voice was getting stuck in his throat. "I wanted to say no but I didn't and now I'm here and I'm realizing that maybe— Maybe I never stopped loving you." Dan had to choke back a little sob.

Phil was speechless so he just pulled Dan closer to him and wrapped his arms around him. Dan wriggled around for a few seconds until he was snuggled up into Phil comfortably. His head was resting against Phil's neck and shoulders, and Dan felt more at home than he had in what seemed like forever.

They just stayed sitting there in silence, and Dan eventually, because of how tired all the crying had made him, fell asleep like that. Curled up into Phil where he belonged.

And only after Dan had fallen asleep did Phil begin to cry.

He was so happy to see Dan again, and so happy that everything seemed to be going well. He had his bear cuddled up next to him, and he was hugging him, and they had kissed. But most importantly: Dan had said that he had maybe never stopped loving him. And the same was true for Phil. He Had never stopped loving Dan.

So Phil held Dan close to him and cried until his head hurt and until his throat was sore. He cried until he felt like there were no tears left in his whole body, until he felt like he couldn't shed another tear if he tried.

And after Phil had cried himself out, he layed Dan gently on the grass, and made sure that he was as comfortable as could be, before laying down beside him. He wrapped an arm around Dan and hooked their feet together and, because he was just so tired, closed his eyes and fell asleep next to his sleeping bear.

It was a short amount of time later when Dan woke up. Maybe about an hour had passed while he slept, and it took him a while to remember where he was.

He rolled over and turned to look at Phil. He could tell from the tear tracks on Phil's face that he had cried too, probably after Dan had fallen asleep. Dan frowned and brushed his fingers across Phil's cheek.

Phil's eyes fluttered opened and he looked up at Dan and smiled when he saw him. He couldn't get out of his head that Dan was actually here and this wasn't a dream.

"I love you." The words left Phil's mouth before he could think about how it would affect Dan.

Dan just paused, his mouth half open as if he was in the middle of saying something. His eyes widened slightly and he bit his lip nervously. "I-" He cut himself off.

"Its okay, Dan." Phil assured him, placing a hand on the younger boy's cheek. "You don't have to say it back. Take your time."

Dan smiled a small smile, his eyes watering. He placed his hand on top of Phil's hand and just left it there, tangling his fingers through his.

"Thank you." Dan whispered.

Phil smiled. "You're welcome."

 **A/N so these last three chapters have been really strained for me to write and I feel like I'm forcing every word except for a few stray paragraphs, but after this chapter I think I have planned in my head what's going to happen, so it should be a bit more enjoyable from here on out. Leave a review my silent readers!**


	7. I am the sorriest person alive

A/N you guys are either going to love me or hate me for this.

Uh, how to begin. How to begin...

*just breath* I know you guys like this story and all, but I don't really have the love for it that you guys do. I get some of these reviews that you guys love this and you can't wait for the next chapter, but I have the complete opposite opinion. As a fanfiction writer of many genres (used to write other genres, I mean), I know that my stories usually suceed more when I have passion for it. And this story, let me tell y'all. The first chapter: I absolutely adore it. Like what the actual hell. I love it. I love the way it ended and I will cherish it forever as one of my best works in my opinion, but.. all the other chapters are actual shit. Actually. Legitimate. Shit. You guys might like them but I'm not even exaggerating when I say I have to force the words onto the paper (or, on the screen, really). Its kind of repetitive and boring so I'm super sorry to say that I don't really have the motivation to continue this.

Ur, its gotta go.

I'm gonna delete all chapters except this one and the first one. It will just be a one-shot, albeit a very sad ending one because truthfully, I care what you people think, but I don't care about this story. Im being maybe a teeny bit heartless and this isn't a good way to start off the new year as it just turned 2018 exactly an hour ago (heppy new years). BUT HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU GUYS.

This may be coming off as a little rude and sudden, but I may or may not be leaving Fanfiction as a writer and sorrysorrysorry. Its not that I do not enjoy y'all or anything, its just this sight isn't that well known and all... and I kinda want to write on Wattpad. Call me a traitor and everything but um I'm sorry. Its true. Wattpad is coolerish maybe. I'm sorry. Now I don't seem cool um.

I will not be writing anymore since this really is just a burden to me as I try to write a lot, but I have no motivation or time except for one story at a time, but my mind is a hellhole that has five story ideas a day and I NEED A BREAK FROM IT TRUTHFULLY. I have one really good idea atm, but I will be putting it on WattPad and WattPad only. I am making a all new account and it is called sunstick (@sunstick)m. So you should go check me out and see the weird crap I put on my reasing list because shit. YAll MighT FInd my SHiT.

But um, guys. I love you for this short journey of writing we had in here. I am staying for the reading side, and I will leave reviews on stuff I read, so if you get a review from me, good??

Well. Shit.

I've probably ruined you people, but, quoting Help by Papa Roach, first line: I THINK I NEED HELP.

Heh.

This is happening, so goodbye peeps.

Kaedin, signing out.

Peace.

But let me leave on a good note. This was gonna be the last A/N of the whole story before I decided to not write here anymore:

so it's 9:48 am here and I couldn't sleep [4 days till Christmas!!]. I noticed I had a few emails about WattPad and this and Pinterest and stuff, so I was looking through em and one review on this story from PickledMirror brought real tears to my eyes and I literally just started crying:

"Hey!

I'm so sorry about your nana. I know how hard deaths in families are and I want you to know you have my condolences. I know it was probably difficult writing this after such a thing happened, but I applaud your strength and I'm so glad you'll keep writing. I love love LOVE this chapter and I'm so excited for the next one, and that new fic you mentioned. Bravo!"

I'm about to start crying again and just thank you so much. Oml. Thank you so much for even caring a little bit enough to type that because ever since she died, I've lost a lot of friends, and I've had no one to talk to except one irl friend who I rarely see because I only ride the bus with her. And she doesn't understand what I'm feeling because she's never lost someone like this. And its really hard because this will be our first Christmas without her. So thank you so much, and that new fic I mentioned... About that— I was kinda in a rough spot with that one so uh its gone. I deleted it and about three other ones in a fit of rage because I just couldn't get it right and I felt useless [damn mood drops, so those are gone forever. On the other hand, I have started vague planning on something else... But thanks for that nice review!!

Lets make it short and sweet:

Bye, I love you guys. Find me on WattPad, sent me love, send me hate, I don't give a shit.

Send me love/hate here: /KrabbyKaedin

Bai peepos


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